A Poem And A Lament

I feel like writing something from scratch for here. I’m going to find a random essay topic generator and write about that, if I find it interesting.

None of them are interesting…

Ah, I’ll just start writing and see what I end up writing about, stream-of-consciousness style.
Or maybe I’ll write a poem.

“The Convoluted Path”

I walk this convoluted path
I don’t know where it goes.
But where it leads
I’ll do good deeds
I’ll leave something to show.

Along this convoluted path
It seems I’ve lost my way.
Not all is lost
For through this cost
I’ll find new things astray.

I took this convoluted path
Along it I will find
new things to see
my brain set free
to ponder things sublime.

I muse this convoluted path
For through its twists and turns
The answers lay
Along the way
These answers I will learn.

I walk this convoluted path
I now know where to be
I crack the code
that paved this road
of pure discovery.

45 minute poem… I’ve been wanting to write a poem that revolved around the sentence “I walk this convoluted path.”  The convoluted path is supposed to represent the many possibilities and options there are for me to take in life. Of course, I cannot predict which path I’ll walk along, since there are so many different paths to take I might decide to switch my plan of action further on. I’m also bound to take a wrong turn here and there–I am human, after all. All I can do is guide myself towards a possible end-behavior–and of course, Chaos reigns, and the tiny unintentional things might build up and end up changing the end behavior entirely. But I assert that whichever path I take–whatever life throws at me and whichever path I amble down, I promise to achieve something. I refuse to leave this world until I significantly contribute to it. I take a very intricate and difficult path–it’s a path that one could call a “black diamond” level path due to its difficulty; however these paths are often the most scenic, and where new things to discover lie. And that, to me, is what makes this path worth taking. I love to think [citation needed], and it is along this path where I can do my best thinking.

This poem is also part lament. I took a horrible turn for the worse in 10th grades. Long story short, two very rude teachers and a plethora of family issues caused me to desire escape. Unfortunately, this caused my grades to drop–I simply didn’t study or do my homework, on top of the fact that I’m a bad test taker. This dinged my GPA. During periods of high stress, such as third quarter in 11th grade and first quarter this year (on top of the college applications stress, I seem to have developed Bipolar II from what it seems–although I’m yet to formally test this–and this caused a major period of depression during much of first quarter…). This makes me look incompetent, even though in the right environment, I’m perfectly competent. The sad thing is that not only have I greatly reduced the probability for me getting into MIT–my dream college since I was two–I’ve also dinged my chances of getting into my backup college of a much lower rate–UF (now don’t get me wrong, UF is pretty good when it comes to research and rather good academically though obviously of no comparison to MIT… it’s just that the student body size is too big and many of my rude classmates may end up there too… something I won’t be able to deal with for four years). Of course I will try to do something with my life regardless of where I go. But I wouldn’t be working to my full potential.

Part of why I created this blog, as mentioned before, is to put what I can’t put on my applications… particularly the MIT application… to show what I didn’t show in my grades…  in the hopes that they might read through even a few posts that I’ve made (that’s why I reiterate myself so often… of course they can’t read through ALL of my posts; only a select few) to get an explanation of my grades and why, if things did go as planned, I would have been a perfect candidate for MIT. There’s only so much I can write in 250 characters for that one essay section of which I wanted to say so much in… 250 characters is not nearly enough for me to write about how much my GPA pains me… and how I’m still currently unable to correct it, because a majority of my stress comes from family problems that all I can do is escape from and shut out by doing what I love: spreading knowledge to people across the internet.

Very rarely will I write anything to show off. If I had intended to “show off,” I’d be talking about myself and my so-called “achievements” and how I “know this subject” matter-of-factly far more than I would have the topic in question. Most of my posts are elicited by some comment I receive, or through a stream-of-consciousness. People accuse me of being pretentious just because I like talking about so-called “pretentious topics.” Again, I know I’ve said this several times, but just… I seriously wish for the admissions office to know this and just how  much it’s been stabbing my heart…

I honestly don’t know what to say anymore… I’ve… I’ve destroyed my chances, and I *realize* this, yet it creates a snowball effect where I get too depressed to do my homework and… this has lasted since 10th grade… my life… my life…

I’m just going to shut up now. I’m just rambling. Sometimes I wish I was just my cat. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. No MIT. Just those letters plus a u is all that he needs to be labeled by, since “Mitu” is his name (it’s short for mittens, since he looks like he’s wearing paw-gloves). All he needs to care about is the shake of his treat bag and food cans and his name… he’s sleeping by my feet now, smiling… he’s probably dreaming about catching squirrels or something…

But cats can’t do math. So no. I love math too much to give it up just to avoid the stresses of life.

As Walt Disney said, “We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” Perhaps I’m not Mitu, but I’m certainly a curious cat. Maybe Curiosity killed the cat, but that cat was lucky to have been on Mars. 

What’s done has been done. I can’t change the past, and of course my past will affect how my future plays out. I shouldn’t hold onto my past and worry about what I could have done over and over again. Once is enough–with that, I learn how to not make that mistake again in the future, and how I can make the best of what I’ve got. I should think about what I’m going to do–and I have been, but I shouldn’t let my past weigh me down.

Because dammit, if I already discovered a brand new type of fractal, I know I’m going to do something with my life. 😛

A Poem And A Lament

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